Gay son’s mom helping to break down barriers
Print Edition
When Piao Chunmei’s son told her he was gay, she reacted the way many Chinese parents do, losing sleep and crying for days due to the lingering shame about same sex relationships in China.
But she eventually accepted her son and is now part of an expanding network of gay people and their parents who help other families cope with the stress of coming out in a country which until 2001 classified homosexuality as a mental illness.
Deep-seated cultural expectations for each generation to produce a male heir added to the pressure to conform. But a new generation is more willing to take a stand on their sexuality, despite what their relatives may think.
Piao and her fellow volunteers bridge the generation gap.
“We don’t want to shut them in the closet where no one can see them,” said Piao, an effervescent 54-year-old who works for a Shanghai cosmetics equipment company.
But coming out in family-oriented China remains traumatic, often tearing households apart or leading to suicides. The fears are so intense that advocacy groups estimate millions lead a double life — hiding their identity by marrying heterosexuals.
“Family is the most important part in terms of our emotions, but it’s the hardest area to break through,” said Duan Rongfeng, a 40-year-old gay man in Shanghai.
Volunteers say they are seeing more people confident enough to come out, especially in cosmopolitan cities such as Shanghai, Beijing and Guangzhou, which have more relaxed attitudes than rural areas.
Piao’s initial reaction to her son’s announcement reflects the lack of understanding common among Chinese parents.
She wondered whether she had caused it by giving him too much candy as a child or if he was corrupted at university or by foreigners.
Anguished parents reach out to Piao daily by phone, social media, or in person. To some, she is affectionately known as “Big Sister Mei,” but others accuse her of corrupting their children.
Her message: you can’t change your child’s sexual identity.
“I would give my life away to make him change,” she admits of her own son. “But he can’t.”
Piao said most Shanghai parents eventually come around and families end up stronger, but success is less assured outside major cities.
Fearing ostracism, Piao and her son relocated to Shanghai several years ago from northeast China.
The support network helped He Fenglan, 55, pull out of a year-long spiral of despair after her son came out.
“The first thing I thought was, how could I face relatives? How could I face society? How could I face close friends? The problem of ‘face’ is very important,” said He, who was “repulsed” by homosexuality.
But she added: “You see more and more gays coming out, as well as their parents. You feel you are not alone in this world.”
Today she embraces her son’s identity and the prospect of his relationships.
“Having two sons is even better. My one son has turned into two.”
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