Gay son鈥檚 mom helping to break down barriers
Print Edition
When Piao Chunmei鈥檚 son told her he was gay, she reacted the way many Chinese parents do, losing sleep and crying for days due to the lingering shame about same sex relationships in China.
But she eventually accepted her son and is now part of an expanding network of gay people and their parents who help other families cope with the stress of coming out in a country which until 2001 classified homosexuality as a mental illness.
Deep-seated cultural expectations for each generation to produce a male heir added to the pressure to conform. But a new generation is more willing to take a stand on their sexuality, despite what their relatives may think.
Piao and her fellow volunteers bridge the generation gap.
鈥淲e don鈥檛 want to shut them in the closet where no one can see them,鈥 said Piao, an effervescent 54-year-old who works for a Shanghai cosmetics equipment company.
But coming out in family-oriented China remains traumatic, often tearing households apart or leading to suicides. The fears are so intense that advocacy groups estimate millions lead a double life 鈥 hiding their identity by marrying heterosexuals.
鈥淔amily is the most important part in terms of our emotions, but it鈥檚 the hardest area to break through,鈥 said Duan Rongfeng, a 40-year-old gay man in Shanghai.
Volunteers say they are seeing more people confident enough to come out, especially in cosmopolitan cities such as Shanghai, Beijing and Guangzhou, which have more relaxed attitudes than rural areas.
Piao鈥檚 initial reaction to her son鈥檚 announcement reflects the lack of understanding common among Chinese parents.
She wondered whether she had caused it by giving him too much candy as a child or if he was corrupted at university or by foreigners.
Anguished parents reach out to Piao daily by phone, social media, or in person. To some, she is affectionately known as 鈥淏ig Sister Mei,鈥 but others accuse her of corrupting their children.
Her message: you can鈥檛 change your child鈥檚 sexual identity.
鈥淚 would give my life away to make him change,鈥 she admits of her own son. 鈥淏ut he can鈥檛.鈥
Piao said most Shanghai parents eventually come around and families end up stronger, but success is less assured outside major cities.
Fearing ostracism, Piao and her son relocated to Shanghai several years ago from northeast China.
The support network helped He Fenglan, 55, pull out of a year-long spiral of despair after her son came out.
鈥淭he first thing I thought was, how could I face relatives? How could I face society? How could I face close friends? The problem of 鈥榝ace鈥 is very important,鈥 said He, who was 鈥渞epulsed鈥 by homosexuality.
But she added: 鈥淵ou see more and more gays coming out, as well as their parents. You feel you are not alone in this world.鈥
Today she embraces her son鈥檚 identity and the prospect of his relationships.
鈥淗aving two sons is even better. My one son has turned into two.鈥
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