The ‘tongqi’ live in the shadow of gay husbands
Print Edition
SHE has no regrets, but for Qing Feng divorcing her husband, a gay man, and losing her son and money, was not an easy process.
Qing, from southwest China’s Guizhou Province, ended her sexless, loveless marriage months ago, after an arduous negotiation with the man who had constantly belittled her throughout their 13-year relationship.
“He said I wouldn’t get a penny or the custody of my son because I asked for a divorce without evidence to show he was wrong,” said Qing, who is in her forties. “He was well prepared for the day of the divorce. He had transferred all our assets to his parents.”
Qing is one of many unlucky women in China known as the “gay wives,” or tongqi, who unwittingly marry closeted gay men. For these women, the road to a successful divorce is often a rocky one due to obstruction from their husband and a lack of clear legal support.
In a country where gay marriage is illegal, the majority of gay men choose to marry women and have children because of the pressure from their parents and society. Many Chinese believe continuing the family bloodline is an inescapable male duty and not having children constitutes a failure.
Overcoming doubts
Two years ago, a TV program focusing on the tragedy of “gay-straight” marriages helped Qing overcome the doubts she had about divorcing her husband, who recoiled from all physical contact from the moment their son was born and seldom showed her any affection.
“He repeatedly told me: ‘Don’t laugh. You look ugly when you do that.’ He liked nothing about me, so I kept trying to change myself to please him,” Qing said.
When she finally questioned her husband about his sexual orientation, he confessed but refused to grant her a divorce because he feared it would ruin his reputation.
Qing finally lost patience and decided to insist on divorce.
But a lawyer told Qing that if she filed for divorce the court might not decide in her favor.
Most Chinese gay men conceal their orientation, which makes it difficult for women to collect evidence of their husband’s sexual habits and tendencies, said Yang Shaogang, a Shanghai-based lawyer who is experienced in “gay-straight” divorce cases.
As a result, judges often do not grant the wife a divorce, and they have to file again at a later date, Yang said.
In addition, Chinese law does not define the gay man as culpable in the breakdown of the marriage, meaning no compensation is given to the woman, and the law offers no provisions for these women to secure custody of their children.
Yang has called for legal changes regarding the distribution of property and child custody in such divorce cases to encourage tongqi to break free.
Abuse and depression
A 2013 survey, conducted by renowned sexologist Zhang Beichuan, of nearly 150 women who had either married or divorced gay or bisexual men, or who were dating such men, showed that 70 percent of the respondents suffered long-term emotional abuse from the men, often characterized by sexual apathy.
In addition, 90 percent of the women developed symptoms of depression and 20 percent of them endured repeated beatings.
Nearly 40 of those surveyed reported symptoms of sexually transmitted diseases. Among the 30 who were tested for HIV, two found themselves infected.
Su Yun, 60, who became deaf in one ear after she was beaten by her homosexual husband, recently divorced. A day after the divorce, her ex-husband and his boyfriend barged into Su’s home.
“I didn’t dare to call the police. I thought he might strangle me. He tried once and I almost died,” said Su, in eastern China’s Shandong Province.
Lin Yan is in her 50s and decided to stay in her marriage, even though her husband confessed to being gay more than 10 years ago.
“We live in a very small place. People like my husband. If I say he’s gay, no one would believe me. They might think I was having an affair and just wanted a divorce,” Lin said, adding that without a job she financially relies on her husband.
In general, the tongqi are an invisible group. A large number of them have not even realized that their husband is gay, due to conservative attitudes toward sex, said Dr Li Xianhong from the Central South University.
“Many never even wonder why they have no sex life in their marriage,” Li said.
So far, Qing Feng has not been able to explicitly tell her parents why she divorced. “It was really shameful,” she said.
- About Us
- |
- Terms of Use
- |
-
RSS - |
- Privacy Policy
- |
- Contact Us
- |
- Shanghai Call Center: 962288
- |
- Tip-off hotline: 52920043
- 沪ICP证：沪ICP备05050403号-1
- |
- 互联网新闻信息服务许可证：31120180004
- |
- 网络视听许可证：0909346
- |
- 广播电视节目制作许可证：沪字第354号
- |
- 增值电信业务经营许可证：沪B2-20120012
Copyright © 1999- Shanghai Daily. All rights reserved.Preferably viewed with Internet Explorer 8 or newer browsers.
