Are women over 30 less attractive?
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I just turned 39. And while I can鈥檛 say I鈥檓 thrilled by that, I鈥檓 bored of tired ideas about aging women.
Full disclosure, the older I鈥檝e gotten, the less I鈥檝e felt seen in society. When I was younger, I got chatted up whereas I can鈥檛 remember the last time someone nervously approached me or held eye contact long enough to make me blush. I鈥檓 not actively seeking attention; it鈥檚 just nice to know you鈥檙e hot.
Growing up my worth was placed in my looks rather than who I was. Now I no longer feel attractive; I no longer feel of value 鈥 meaning the issue may have more to do with self-esteem than years on the planet or the love I receive from Shane. But a comment I read online suggests not:
鈥淲omen over 30 are less attractive. Fact.鈥
Reading this I felt a cocktail of anger, disbelief and sadness. What a grossly misinformed thing to say! Or is it?
I reached out to friends for counterarguments, but the first response spoke to a hard truth. If attraction is about sex and sex is about reproduction, then younger women are more desirable because on average they鈥檙e better at making babies. It鈥檚 a fair point and one that aligns with basic biology. But I take issue with it.
Why should motherhood be the primary determinant of a woman鈥檚 desirability, especially when many delay having kids or opt out altogether? If you鈥檙e sleeping with someone purely to reproduce, you鈥檙e missing out on a fulfilling experience comprised of emotional intimacy, shared pleasure and mutual respect. When you reduce a woman鈥檚 sexuality down to her ability to make babies, you reduce the woman into a baby-making machine.
Still, we like looking at pretty things, and the media is unhelpful when it comes to age. Walk around any big city and look up. Looking down at you from a billboard will be a 20-something-year-old. It doesn鈥檛 stop at advertising. Popular culture is packed with sexualized references to youth. OK, you don鈥檛 have to watch the shows or listen to the songs, but they are omnipresent, whereas age is rarely celebrated.
Even the language we use around women is demeaning. One subtle but not insignificant issue is the common reference to girls rather than women in music. It sustains the infantilization of adult females and reinforces power imbalances. It鈥檚 lame. Why can鈥檛 society handle a woman?
Thankfully, I鈥檝e found that life doesn鈥檛 always imitate art.
鈥淚 wouldn鈥檛 go below 30 as a 39-year-old male. The older I get, the more I appreciate experience, loyalty, care and maturity. What do I have in common with a woman more than 10 years younger than me? Not much. I think happiness exists in my own generation.鈥 (Ben)
鈥淲omen under 30 aren鈥檛 attractive. Appeal is about more than outer appearance. Maturity, intellect and life experience are what matters.鈥 (Mark)
鈥淎 positive thing about aging is that you crystallize into the real you. You care less what others think. If growing up is the same as discovering what鈥檚 important, I think that鈥檚 attractive.鈥 (Jaap)
鈥淚f you like who you are when you鈥檙e alone, if you鈥檙e happy with whom you see in the mirror, that will show in your smile and people on a similar wavelength will find you attractive, be it age 30, 50 or beyond.鈥 (Chris)
As Chris says, what matters is how women feel about themselves. And of course, I came to you about aging.
鈥淚 have enjoyed and still enjoy getting older. I鈥檓 less tolerant of people and things that don鈥檛 uplift me, and I care less about what people think. I value myself differently.鈥 (Lorraine)
鈥淎t 51, I can feel the young girl of my youth, tearful, vulnerable and unsettled. But I still feel gorgeous!鈥 (Nila)
鈥淚 can鈥檛 believe my age. But as long as the love of my life thinks I鈥檓 the most gorgeous one in the room, I don鈥檛 care.鈥 (Ans)
鈥淚鈥檓 going to be 55 this year, and I don鈥檛 care who sees me as less sexy. My feminist principals have carried me through. At this age, I am choosing myself first.鈥 (Tonye)
鈥淚鈥檓 more grounded and confident as I age. I enjoy sexuality more, because I care less about how other people do it or how feeling attractive should be. I feel freer to take my time to enjoy the sensuality of living. I see less reasons to deny myself pleasurable things.鈥 (Bojun)
Speaking of sexuality, the University of Texas conducted a review of existing research on female desire. It found that women in their 40s and 50s often experience an increase in sexual drive and satisfaction. The findings reflect a lot of what鈥檚 said above. Things like improved self-confidence, emotional stability and a greater understanding of our own needs can add to heightened sexual satisfaction and libido in midlife. What鈥檚 not seductive about that?
As I blow out the candles on my birthday cake, I鈥檓 wishing for a society that empowers women to feel confident in their skin rather than worrying about how tight it is. Only when we challenge misconceptions and reject negative representations, can we create a world that celebrates women for who they are at every stage of life.
And if you can鈥檛 handle a woman鈥檚 age, she wouldn鈥檛 want you anyway.
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