THE REAL COST OF EXPAT LIFE: What we miss and why it matters
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My mom just turned 60, and I wasn’t in England to celebrate with her. Just like I wasn’t there to comfort a friend through cancer or see my cousin get married.
But that’s the expat life, right? You made your choice, so deal with it. The trouble is: I’m convinced but at some point everything will come back to bite me.
Should we live the life we want or put the people we love first? And when we make our choice, do we still get to mourn the things we miss?
If you’re away from home, you’ll likely recognize this struggle. By “away,” I mean moving to another country, county or even being emotionally distant from parts of your reality. By “home,” I mean wherever you find belonging. Deep down, you know where that is. Home can be a place, a person or a state of being. This isn’t just an article for expats; it’s for anyone who finds themselves further away from their roots than ever intended.
Leaving home is a complex mix of freedom and loss. The decision to leave can be liberating, but it comes at a price. While technology has made things easier, nothing replaces someone’s physical presence. A video call can’t capture the smell of my mom’s hair or the warmth of a hug. Without wishing her dead, there will come a time when she’s no longer here. The same goes for everyone you care about. Knowing this inconvenient yet unavoidable fact, what are we doing so far apart from those we love?
In the middle of a meltdown, I turned to social media. Here’s what some of you had to say.
Rob: “I’m from Britain and do my duty regarding birthdays and so on, but I am content living the life I have chosen away from family. I don’t think I feel guilty about it. I have one life, and it’s mine to live.”
Agnes: “Some of my relatives hold not being home against me. I can’t blame them; they don’t realize how difficult and tiring the journey is, not to mention the time off work and jet lag. Even though all of that is real, I still can’t help but feel guilty sometimes.”
George: “Leaving family at home is certainly tough, but we all have to make our own lives and happiness.”
Hamdi: “I decided to protect myself by keeping a safe distance from family so I can avoid their negativity bubble. Some things you have to do.”
Megan: “It’s never selfish to put yourself first! We can’t live out our lives for other people.”
Your responses prove there’s no perfect formula. We all find a way to balance family ties and personal growth. My 12 years in China have given me so much — new friends, fresh perspectives and my dream career as your columnist. If I had stayed in England, I would have seen family more, but the trade-off would mean losing who I am today. As selfish as it sounds, that’s not a trade I’d make.
It’s said that if you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours; if it doesn’t, it never was. If you love someone, you should allow them to make their own choices, even if those choices are difficult.
It’s also said that love will find a way. Real love runs so deep that it withstands any challenge or distance. I’ve come to understand that love isn’t about proximity or constant presence; it’s about understanding, support and the willingness to let your people pursue their own paths.
Being the mom she is, mine weighed in on my X question.
“No darling, your decision to live abroad isn’t selfish,” she answered. “That’s life, and you have to live yours.”
Mom is right. I think the furthest away from home we can ever be is away from ourselves. I’ve felt that recently and don’t think I’ve ever been more lost or lonelier. In one sense, that’s my answer. We must choose ourselves. That doesn’t make anything easy, but little in life that matters is.
I’ll continue to weep like a toddler whenever I let go of my mom for any significant amount of time. But we both know our love for one another transcends the distance between us.
I hope you can say the same. Sometimes the miles we travel away from people and places are also the miles we travel toward ourselves. No matter the choices we make or the time that passes, love is our compass. It guides us back to wherever we call home and to the life we’re born to live.
So lay any guilt down. No one that’s strong enough to care really wants you to carry it. You have a set amount of time. It’s yours to spend, and you must spend it wisely.
Anyone who likes you half as much as I do would agree.
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