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Win-at-any-cost makes for hollow victories
By Xiao Wang |
March 23, 2013, Saturday
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Print Edition
Print Edition
HOWEVER hard my sister-in-law now solicits my advice on her daughter's education, a smile and silence are my only answer.
A few years ago I still gave advice, as I had hope that my niece could learn first of all to be honest and considerate. Not now.
All my sister-in-law cares about is that her daughter will outperform others in English and science competitions. Each time I pointed out the teenager's propensity to be pretentious, snobbish and selfish, the mother would turn her back on me.
Last April, we saw a bunch of yellow winter jasmine flowers as we roamed in a park in northern Shanghai. The teenager surprised all of us by saying that the flowers are plum blossoms. When I corrected her, she pouted petulantly: "Don't you ever argue with me!"
Deaf ears
When there's only one seat available, the teenager always takes it for herself, even though her elderly grandparents are looking for a place to sit. She has done this many times in my presence, and my admonitions fell on deaf ears, those of the girl and those of her mother.
My sister-in-law's dream: send her spoiled daughter to Yale.
To the mother and the daughter - like hundreds of other mothers and daughters - external accomplishments like test scores and social status matter more than a person's moral fiber.
The story of my sister-in-law and her daughter could be an example in the book, "The Only Way to Win," written by renowned performance psychologist and sports coach Jim Loehr.
"The blind pursuit of external achievement can, even when successful, result in profound emptiness for all of us," he says.
As he observes, people driven by a pursuit of external accomplishment often lose on the inside, even when they succeed on the outside. And in the long run, people who are honest and of good character outperform and outlast all others.
What distinguishes this book from many others on money and morality is that the author seldom preaches; he tells convincing stories after decades of working with dozens of the world's top athletes and executives.
The book opens with discussions that boil down to this question: Can nice guys finish first?
Imagine that you lived and breathed tennis from age two. You were self-centered, mistrustful and fierce. Over the next few decades, you won three Grand Slams and became No. 1 in the world. Now, how do you feel?
As the book reveals, American tennis genius Andre Agassi achieved all of this by age 26 and yet he said he felt hollow and disappointed. Agassi attributed his drug use, lies and failed first marriage to his lack of purpose.
But Agassi was fortunate, as he "had the courage to reinvent himself." After he dropped his win-at-all-cost persona, he made a meteoric comeback in 1998 and became the world No.1 again in 1999. Before retiring in 2006, Agassi had won five more Grand Slam titles. In other words, Agassi accomplished far more after he became a nice guy.
Jim Loehr acknowledges that not all people are as fortunate as Agassi, who now dedicates much of his time to charity and helping at-risk children.
"The sad truth...is that when people feel the emptiness of achievement, they take a 'brute force' approach: I'll just do more and more of this until it feels good," the author notes. "Amazingly, few smart people instead stop to wonder: Could it be that I'm chasing the wrong thing?"
Crisis of morality
In discussing a crisis of morality in today's world of sports, he mentions revealing researches.
Every two years, he says, researchers ask some 200 athletes whether they would take performance-enhancing magic pills that guarantee athletic success without ever being detected but also promise death within five years. Shockingly, more than half of the athletes say they would.
Cheating is not limited to sports, says the author. As he discovers, some "one-third of US high school students admitted to using the Internet to plagiarize." Moreover, four-fifths of high school and college kids in the US confessed to academic cheating.
"When the goal is simply to win, to achieve, then cheating becomes tolerable; indeed necessary; indeed practically recommended," observes the author.
What can I say to my sister-in-law and her daughter now that their only goal is to score high on the outside, however hollow they may be on the inside?
A few years ago I still gave advice, as I had hope that my niece could learn first of all to be honest and considerate. Not now.
All my sister-in-law cares about is that her daughter will outperform others in English and science competitions. Each time I pointed out the teenager's propensity to be pretentious, snobbish and selfish, the mother would turn her back on me.
Last April, we saw a bunch of yellow winter jasmine flowers as we roamed in a park in northern Shanghai. The teenager surprised all of us by saying that the flowers are plum blossoms. When I corrected her, she pouted petulantly: "Don't you ever argue with me!"
Deaf ears
When there's only one seat available, the teenager always takes it for herself, even though her elderly grandparents are looking for a place to sit. She has done this many times in my presence, and my admonitions fell on deaf ears, those of the girl and those of her mother.
My sister-in-law's dream: send her spoiled daughter to Yale.
To the mother and the daughter - like hundreds of other mothers and daughters - external accomplishments like test scores and social status matter more than a person's moral fiber.
The story of my sister-in-law and her daughter could be an example in the book, "The Only Way to Win," written by renowned performance psychologist and sports coach Jim Loehr.
"The blind pursuit of external achievement can, even when successful, result in profound emptiness for all of us," he says.
As he observes, people driven by a pursuit of external accomplishment often lose on the inside, even when they succeed on the outside. And in the long run, people who are honest and of good character outperform and outlast all others.
What distinguishes this book from many others on money and morality is that the author seldom preaches; he tells convincing stories after decades of working with dozens of the world's top athletes and executives.
The book opens with discussions that boil down to this question: Can nice guys finish first?
Imagine that you lived and breathed tennis from age two. You were self-centered, mistrustful and fierce. Over the next few decades, you won three Grand Slams and became No. 1 in the world. Now, how do you feel?
As the book reveals, American tennis genius Andre Agassi achieved all of this by age 26 and yet he said he felt hollow and disappointed. Agassi attributed his drug use, lies and failed first marriage to his lack of purpose.
But Agassi was fortunate, as he "had the courage to reinvent himself." After he dropped his win-at-all-cost persona, he made a meteoric comeback in 1998 and became the world No.1 again in 1999. Before retiring in 2006, Agassi had won five more Grand Slam titles. In other words, Agassi accomplished far more after he became a nice guy.
Jim Loehr acknowledges that not all people are as fortunate as Agassi, who now dedicates much of his time to charity and helping at-risk children.
"The sad truth...is that when people feel the emptiness of achievement, they take a 'brute force' approach: I'll just do more and more of this until it feels good," the author notes. "Amazingly, few smart people instead stop to wonder: Could it be that I'm chasing the wrong thing?"
Crisis of morality
In discussing a crisis of morality in today's world of sports, he mentions revealing researches.
Every two years, he says, researchers ask some 200 athletes whether they would take performance-enhancing magic pills that guarantee athletic success without ever being detected but also promise death within five years. Shockingly, more than half of the athletes say they would.
Cheating is not limited to sports, says the author. As he discovers, some "one-third of US high school students admitted to using the Internet to plagiarize." Moreover, four-fifths of high school and college kids in the US confessed to academic cheating.
"When the goal is simply to win, to achieve, then cheating becomes tolerable; indeed necessary; indeed practically recommended," observes the author.
What can I say to my sister-in-law and her daughter now that their only goal is to score high on the outside, however hollow they may be on the inside?
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