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Anxious parents hit blind-dating circuit as the new year approaches
By Xu Wenwen |
February 5, 2013, Tuesday
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Print Edition
Print Edition
FAMILY reunions over the Chinese Lunar New Year are not always pleasant for single people because it's common at that time of year for relatives to persistently quiz them about marriage.
Have you found someone yet? Why not? Are you in a serious relationship? When will you get married? Better get married soon.
It's common to hear these questions and such advice from parents, uncles and aunts who apparently are much more zealous about marriage than young people themselves.
It's no wonder that as the Chinese Lunar New Year approaches, blind-dating is getting more popular - especially among parents who flood some match-making and blind-dating centers.
"Over 700 people have registered in our office since January," says Chen Meilin, a matchmaker in a free blind-dating office at Meizhengqiao Community in Hangzhou. Quite a few are parents.
The office, which opened three years ago, is staffed by volunteers, and all matchmakers are retired men and women in the community, peers of the parents who come looking for a mate for their son or daughter.
So far, the office has data on 2,700 women and 1,700 men.
"I've heard many fathers and mothers say they are so worried because one more year has past and their child is around 30 years old and still not married," Chen says.
They have reason to worry. According to traditional Chinese values, a good life means a stable marriage and healthy, successful children. Those who are unmarried, however, are viewed as strange. Having babies is essential to carry on the family line.
A woman who only identifies herself as Lin says she has an unmarried, 29-year-old daughter.
"I don't think my duty as a mother is finished until my daughter gets married and has a baby," she says. "I want to have something in common to talk about with my peers, like my children's marriage and my grandchildren," she says.
It's common at blind-dating centers to see many parents bustling around, talking to other parents and looking at the "qualifications" of prospective mates. But there aren't always so many young people, who find the whole process rather embarrassing.
Parents often predominate at activities, including those held on weekends. At Wansong Academy Park, which has a party every Saturday, the young faces always stand out.
A Shanghai Daily journalist asked several parents at a blind-date party why they were there without their unmarried children. They answered that young people were either too ashamed or too busy working. Parents also said that by talking with other parents, they can get an idea of what the children are like.
Parents don't do the face-to-face speed date, but fill out forms and scrutinize forms filled out by other parents on behalf of their children.
For example, at the blind date office in Meizhengqiao Community, parents fill out the basics, including name, age, height, employment, income, home ownership and other elements.
"Parents prefer spouses to have jobs like teachers and public servants, which are stable," says Zhou Ning, an official at the community office.
It's better if women are two to four years younger than men, since local customs hold that even-numbered spousal age differences help make a marriage harmonious, she says.
Family background is also needed to make a good match, though this information isn't made public. This includes whether parents are alive, divorced, their employment status and whether they have medical insurance. If parents are uninsured, their health problems can represent a big problem for a young couple having to support them and pay their medical bills.
Despite a parent's best efforts to find a mate for their children, they quite often fail. Although parents on both sides may agree to a marriage - and put young people together for blind dates - the young people concerned may not have chemistry.
"This happens many times," says Chen, saving her hands in frustration. "What a waste of time and energy!"
Shanghai Daily talked to a 30-year-old bachelor surnamed Gao about his parents efforts to find him a wife.
"It's awkward to develop a relationship under my parents' watchful eyes," he says. "At the beginning, I could see I wouldn't develop feelings for the girl they liked and I knew that if we continued dating, my parents would push me to marry her. To make sure the situation didn't get awkward, I broke it off early."
So it appears that what parents can do is tick the boxes for physical and economic requirements, and leave the chemistry to their children.
"Sticking to rigid requirements at first isn't always the best way," says Zhou Yan, a senior marriage counsellor. "People change and someday you will find that what you need now is not what you needed earlier.
"Material conditions and feelings are both important to a marriage but during blind dating, I suggest that people first see whether there is chemistry and then check things like family background."
Have you found someone yet? Why not? Are you in a serious relationship? When will you get married? Better get married soon.
It's common to hear these questions and such advice from parents, uncles and aunts who apparently are much more zealous about marriage than young people themselves.
It's no wonder that as the Chinese Lunar New Year approaches, blind-dating is getting more popular - especially among parents who flood some match-making and blind-dating centers.
"Over 700 people have registered in our office since January," says Chen Meilin, a matchmaker in a free blind-dating office at Meizhengqiao Community in Hangzhou. Quite a few are parents.
The office, which opened three years ago, is staffed by volunteers, and all matchmakers are retired men and women in the community, peers of the parents who come looking for a mate for their son or daughter.
So far, the office has data on 2,700 women and 1,700 men.
"I've heard many fathers and mothers say they are so worried because one more year has past and their child is around 30 years old and still not married," Chen says.
They have reason to worry. According to traditional Chinese values, a good life means a stable marriage and healthy, successful children. Those who are unmarried, however, are viewed as strange. Having babies is essential to carry on the family line.
A woman who only identifies herself as Lin says she has an unmarried, 29-year-old daughter.
"I don't think my duty as a mother is finished until my daughter gets married and has a baby," she says. "I want to have something in common to talk about with my peers, like my children's marriage and my grandchildren," she says.
It's common at blind-dating centers to see many parents bustling around, talking to other parents and looking at the "qualifications" of prospective mates. But there aren't always so many young people, who find the whole process rather embarrassing.
Parents often predominate at activities, including those held on weekends. At Wansong Academy Park, which has a party every Saturday, the young faces always stand out.
A Shanghai Daily journalist asked several parents at a blind-date party why they were there without their unmarried children. They answered that young people were either too ashamed or too busy working. Parents also said that by talking with other parents, they can get an idea of what the children are like.
Parents don't do the face-to-face speed date, but fill out forms and scrutinize forms filled out by other parents on behalf of their children.
For example, at the blind date office in Meizhengqiao Community, parents fill out the basics, including name, age, height, employment, income, home ownership and other elements.
"Parents prefer spouses to have jobs like teachers and public servants, which are stable," says Zhou Ning, an official at the community office.
It's better if women are two to four years younger than men, since local customs hold that even-numbered spousal age differences help make a marriage harmonious, she says.
Family background is also needed to make a good match, though this information isn't made public. This includes whether parents are alive, divorced, their employment status and whether they have medical insurance. If parents are uninsured, their health problems can represent a big problem for a young couple having to support them and pay their medical bills.
Despite a parent's best efforts to find a mate for their children, they quite often fail. Although parents on both sides may agree to a marriage - and put young people together for blind dates - the young people concerned may not have chemistry.
"This happens many times," says Chen, saving her hands in frustration. "What a waste of time and energy!"
Shanghai Daily talked to a 30-year-old bachelor surnamed Gao about his parents efforts to find him a wife.
"It's awkward to develop a relationship under my parents' watchful eyes," he says. "At the beginning, I could see I wouldn't develop feelings for the girl they liked and I knew that if we continued dating, my parents would push me to marry her. To make sure the situation didn't get awkward, I broke it off early."
So it appears that what parents can do is tick the boxes for physical and economic requirements, and leave the chemistry to their children.
"Sticking to rigid requirements at first isn't always the best way," says Zhou Yan, a senior marriage counsellor. "People change and someday you will find that what you need now is not what you needed earlier.
"Material conditions and feelings are both important to a marriage but during blind dating, I suggest that people first see whether there is chemistry and then check things like family background."
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