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Challenges, rewards great for cross-culture couples
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It’s not uncommon to see couples composed of a Chinese person and a Westerner. But while attraction can be found in curiosity and exotic charm, it also can be put off by cultural differences.
Do different cultural backgrounds and childhood environments among couples create psychological distance, or does it add magnetism to the relationship? With Valentine’s Day coming up tomorrow, Shanghai Daily interviewed some Asian-Western couples to see what they had to say.
“It all depends on the couples’ characteristics and compatibility,” said Miao Yiqing, a doctoral candidate in clinical psychology at Chestnut Hill College in Philadelphia in the United States, whose dissertation is about interracial relationships.
Miao, born in Hangzhou, calls herself an “international dater.” She now is dating an American man.
Her dissertation involves a qualitative study of 20 couples composed of Asian women and Caucasian men, which is the type of relationship she is involved in. She said Asian women become involved with Caucasian men three times more often than with men of other Western ethnic groups.
Miao said she has found two essential points for the quality of a cross-cultural relationship. First, the partners should be open-minded about their partner’s background, be curious about it and learn about it. Second, they should be respectful about their partner’s needs regarding his or her culture.
Miao, who dated an English man for eight years, said the relationship lasted a long time because “we were both open-minded people who loved to try new things, and fascinated by each other’s culture.”
Another Chinese woman, Li Mengxi, agreed on the need for compatibility. “To have a cross-cultural marriage is actually more difficult than to maintain an ordinary marriage,” she said. Li married husband Rodolphe Touca, from France, last year. They work and live in Hangzhou. “The cultural differences require more patience and compatibility from the couple,” she said, adding that their romance is anchored by mutual understanding.
Different backgrounds also can be a big attraction.
“The cultural differences actually are an advantage that makes us unique in each other’s eyes, and drives both of us to learn,” said Xu Sujuan, whose boyfriend, Julien Chhengis, is French. “By learning, I mean to learn the good values of foreign culture, so as to make us better people.”
Communication is an important key to solve problems and to understand each other in any relationship, but “in an international relationship, communication is more than important, it’s essential!” said Jessica Dearing from Minnesota in the United States.
Dearing just got engaged to Chinese man, Xue Yan, who is from Xi’an city in central China. They now work and live in Hangzhou.
They’ve been together for almost two years and differences in customs and cultural shocks ranged from their respective preferences for “drinking hot water or cold water” to the realization that “marrying a Chinese man is like marrying him and his family together.” Also, Dearing noticed a big difference that required adaptation: Chinese men speak less to their partners, while American women need to “talk things out.”
“This was the cause of many fights at the beginning,” she confessed. But as they learned more about each other, they arrived at a balance through the man learning that he needed to express himself better, while the woman learned to give the man more time to think in silence.
Eventually, love conquered all the difficulties since the two know “in our hearts that we don’t want anyone else,” and “whatever the future has in store for us, I know we will cross those bridges when we get to them, together.” She also gradually has been accepted as “the daughter” of the Chinese family.
‘My Chinese Love Story’
To celebrate tomorrow’s Valentine’s Day, Hangzhou has been working with The New York Times to promote the “My Chinese Love Story” campaign to let people express their feelings to their loved one. Participants can create an e-card with a “Dreamlike West Lake” theme to send to the one they love, or have it placed in a special letter-box for a random drawing. The luckiest will appear on a full page in The New York Times.
Visit https://www.facebook.com/Hangzhou.China/app_600979466632798?ref=br_tfto learn more.
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