THERE'S a Chinese saying that girls should be raised in comfort and boys should be raised to handle hardship. Wang Jie explores what's happening with the royally pampered generation and whether this "golden rule" needs to be redefined.

At a time when pampered single children in China are still called "little emperors" (and now increasingly girlish boys) and "little empresses," some urban parents are harkening back to ancient wisdom, at least when it comes to their sons.

"Raise a daughter in an easy, comfortable environment, but raise a boy in a rigorous way" (fu yang nu, qiong yang nan), the saying goes, passed down over thousands of years.

"When I was pregnant, I heard the saying from my mother," says Christine Liu, who has a 3-year-old son. "I think that's right. A boy should take more responsibility in the family and society so it is better to prepare him for the future at an early age. But a girl is different. It's better to provide her with an affluent, relaxed life so she will grow up into a 'princess' with proper and elegant manners."

The "fair lady" and the strong-willed, disciplined man of character are the ideal, traditional duo. Chinese literature and legend, like those around the world, often tell of poor but determined young men who struggle and not only make good but become great men. The same isn't true of Chinese women, at least in legend and literature, since they are expected to be calm, considerate and well-behaved.

But with China's quantum leap into modernization and urban prosperity for many, the old wisdom has been drowned out by the sound of a middle class getting rich and wanting to pass on to the children the ease and advantages they never had.

Both urban boys and girls have been pampered, many to excess, and as a result, there's much hand-wringing about "materialistic girls" and especially boys who are weak and unmanly - parents have gone to far, some say, in giving them everything they want. A whole "boys' movement" has arisen to help boys get back in touch with their tougher, masculine side.

In February, a video went viral showing a 4-year-old Chinese boy wearing only shoes and underpants and running in the snow in New York City. The boy and his family, from Nanjing, capital city of Jiangsu Province, were on vacation in the States. Many people were shocked and thought the boy was being treated cruelly. The father uploaded the video with some pride and said his son had been weak and the regimen was making him strong and healthy. The father came to be known as a "eagle father," the parental equivalent of the demanding Chinese "tiger mom" who pushes her children to achieve.

That sounds a bit extreme but it's in keeping with the idea that a boy needs so experience "bitterness" in life.

"Men are different from women and they should be stronger and tougher," says businesswoman Bao Lifang, a mother of two boys whose family runs a fabric factory in Wenzhou, Zhejiang Province. The city is famous for its many entrepreneurs.

"I agree boys should be given the best education, but I don't agree that they should live a relaxed and luxurious life too early, though the family could afford it. I have seen too many examples of how the rich families in Wenzhou ruined their sons' future by spoiling them too much," Bao adds.

"If a boy doesn't understand the reality that life can be cruel and difficult, how can he face the problems in the future life and also protect his family?" she asks. "I purposely sent my elder son to summer camp in the rural areas in Yunnan and Hubei provinces. He should see how other people live and be grateful for what he has got now."

Ronnie Pu, mother of a 14-year-old boy, agrees and says boys need toughening. "Today, education in China focuses too much on scores. I hate to see boys with frail bodies and sissy manners. That's why I paid for tennis lessons for my son when he entered primary school," Pu says.

Sports is a good way to build a "manly man," she adds, pleased that her son himself insists on playing tennis every day for the past five years. "I've lavished almost 8,000 yuan (US$1,258) on it, including a coach and tennis courts. But it's worthwhile if I can pay for my boy to experience both toughness and happiness in sports," Pu adds.

She says material things are not so important in a child's education, but caring and understanding are critical. "Don't be too rough, strict and harsh with your boy, that's not the real meaning of 'harsh' nurturing. I tried my own way to explain to him how to overcome problems and hardship through his own efforts."

This "tough love" concept for boys has a long way to go, but it has its adherents, and quite a few young parents say they don't want their children to become overindulged and dependent.

As for girls, the old adage about a protected and comfortable environment appears to hold true and some parents even go overboard, introducing their girls to the better things in life in hopes that they won't settle for less when they marry.

"In that old saying about ease for girls and rigor for boys, I really sympathize with the boy himself and the girl's father," says Rong Jian, a chief finance officer at a local Chinese company. "Whether rich or poor, the boy has to suffer a lot of pain to grow into a manly man. Likewise, the girl's father has to lavish money on his daughter so she can become a fair lady."

Little princesses

According to Rong, one of his classmates spends almost 10,000 yuan every month on his 10-year-old daughter, paying for clothes and classes, such as piano, painting, calligraphy and tennis.

"The family frequently takes her to dine at high-end restaurants to experience the life of rich people," Rong says. "Sometimes the dinner costs almost a third of her father's salary. I tried to convince him that it was utterly unnecessary but he told me it was essential, otherwise, his daughter might be attracted by a playboy who would easily seduce her with glittering dresses and flowing champagne."

That family's idea is not unusual, especially at a time when many people are in pursuit of material comforts. Many young women admit frankly that they want to marry a rich man and consider wealth the crucial element.

These parents who believe in "rich nurturing" for their daughters believe they should "see the best, taste the best, use the best and know the best" so they won't be misled by and settle for a man who provides less.

"When our family goes on a trip, my husband and my daughter are both chicly dressed, but I am not. Sometimes I feel like an ayi," says housewife Wu Ying. "I'm so busy dressing up my daughter that I have little time or money for myself. You really can't imagine the role of the mother behind a little princess."

It's far from clear that all this devotion and sacrifice on the part of parents makes for a happy princess in later life. "I am an example of girls raised that way with comforts but now I don't feel happy at all," says Tina Xie, a 38-year-old financial analyst. "My parents didn't let me do any house chores in the past and they didn't teach me anything about being a good wife and mother."

Today Xie's husband is busy and works long hours, and she has to manage household affairs, tell the ayi what to prepare for meals and what to do around the house. She doesn't have adequate communications skills to use with her mother-in-law.

"Sometimes I feel like an idiot facing all those details in life. My ability to play the piano and paint doesn't count ... Yes, I know what the best is, but what I don't know is how to do the best," she says.

Sometimes she blames her parents who "missed an important part of my education in basic skills in dealing with the tough parts of life. After all, life is not always filled with flowers, music and beautiful clothes."

Psychologist Feng Yalan says the old adage about raising girls for a life of ease and raising boys to handle hardship doesn't really suit today's realities. "We shouldn't use words like 'rich' or 'poor' in family education," she says. "The critical thing is to train them to survive in the real world."