The quest to find love never grows old
Print Edition
FOR Yu Yifeng, 72, life has been an emotional roller-coaster. Ten years ago she lost her only daughter to stomach cancer; three years ago, her husband died of lung cancer.
Alone and lonely, Yu thought she had found new hope for life in a man she met at a senior citizens’ dancing club. She described him as “nice, kind and good-mannered.” But her romantic dreams were suddenly dashed when she found out the man was married and had no intention of divorcing his wife.
“I thought such things happened only to younger people,” says Yu. “I thought cheating on wives was something men in their 40s did, not men in their 70s.”
Yu’s plight is not uncommon among older people seeking new love late in life.
This group of lovelorn is increasingly noticeable. They attend matchmaking parties, log onto dating websites and form online chat groups to find a new “significant other.”
After Yu’s “beau” turned out to be something of a scoundrel, she joined several chat groups.
“Everything that happens in the marriage market for young people also happens in my age group,” she says.
“Some old men flirt as if they were still in their 30s. People looking for mates talk up their favorable financial circumstances. Perhaps the only difference is that people in my age group talk a lot more about children and grandchildren. Sometimes the atmosphere can be quite desperate and stressful. It’s not always pleasant.”
In one popular activity, seniors took to holding match-making parties almost every afternoon in the cafe of retailer IKEA Shanghai. The store finally posted a new notice that customers are required to buy food or drinks if they enter the cafe.
So the seniors started buying food and drinks and continued to meet there.
According to recent research by the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences, about 80 percent of the 24 million-plus widowed seniors in China would like to find a new partner but less than 10 percent of them are successful. And among those who remarry, divorce rates are high.
Children are the biggest hurdle to love in the twilight zone, the research found. While many parents push their children to marry, the reverse isn’t true. Children want their parents, widowed or divorced, to stay single for the rest of their lives.
A 45-year-old woman, who identified herself only as Xiong, tells the story about her mother. Eight years ago, Xiong’s father passed away from a cerebral hemorrhage. Since then, her mother has been depressed.
Xiong’s coping method was to encourage her three sisters to take turns with her visiting their mother. But when her mother expressed interest in finding a new partner, the daughters rebelled.
“My father didn’t leave any will, and I don’t want to take the risk of possible money disputes with another family in the future,” she explains.
What about the idea of cohabitation without getting married? Xiong didn’t like that option either.
“I don’t want to deal with more family dramas,” she says. “What if my mom finds a man with a tangled family background? I don’t want to deal with a stepdad or a whole family behind him.”
Xiong’s mindset isn’t unusual. The research showed that most children don’t feel empathy with their parents when it comes to emotional needs. They believe that with their proper care and oversight, their elderly parents don’t need a new love life.
Li Jianfei, a professor with the Law School at Renmin University, says the Law of Marriage grants the right for anyone to marry.
“There is no legal basis for children interfering in their parents’ marriage plans,” he says. “There’s also no basis in law for children to interfere in how their parents distribute their properties and wealth.”
Even if children are supportive of new partnerships, men and women seeking marriage in older age may face obstacles in differing opinions about what they want in a relationship.
Jiudama, a matchmaking club for older people, did a survey of 856 widowed or divorced seniors over 60. It found that 90 percent of the women interviewed wanted their future partners to have their own housing, while about 60 percent of the men expected their significant other to have medical insurance and perfect homemaking skills.
“Women are picky no matter what age they are,” says one of the interviewees, a 62-year-old man who identified himself only as Miao. “They don’t want men who are not taller than 1.7 meters or who have no housing or have unmarried children.”
But the most unacceptable condition to Miao was that many older women don’t want to take care of their future partner.
“The other day at a match-making party, I overheard some old ladies talking,” Miao says. “They were saying that if their new partner fell ill or lost the ability to take care of himself, they would call it quits. And here was I, thinking that the main purpose of finding love late in life was to take care of one another. I really don’t know what they want.”
Women, on the other hand, complain that many elderly men prefer younger women, with pretty faces and fair skin. Or, in more practical cases, men are just looking for a housekeeper.
“It’s true that women 60 and older aren’t very attractive to men, even men in their 70s,” says another interviewee surnamed Xu, 69. “Some men want a spouse who is 30 or 40 years younger than them. When they meet people like me, they ask if I can cook, do laundry or take them to the hospital regularly. Well, I have no intention of getting married just so I can be an unpaid maid.”
- About Us
- |
- Terms of Use
- |
-
RSS - |
- Privacy Policy
- |
- Contact Us
- |
- Shanghai Call Center: 962288
- |
- Tip-off hotline: 52920043
- 沪ICP证：沪ICP备05050403号-1
- |
- 互联网新闻信息服务许可证：31120180004
- |
- 网络视听许可证：0909346
- |
- 广播电视节目制作许可证：沪字第354号
- |
- 增值电信业务经营许可证：沪B2-20120012
Copyright © 1999- Shanghai Daily. All rights reserved.Preferably viewed with Internet Explorer 8 or newer browsers.
