CHINESE fathers are traditionally breadwinners outside the home and the pattern of absentee dads continues today. But young fathers miss precious moments with their children and some are trying to break the mold. Yao Minji reports for Father's Day.

It is 1am Saturday night. Mike Zhao has just arrived home after a three-day business trip in Shandong Province. His apartment is dark and quiet - his wife and three-month son are both sound asleep.

He tiptoes through the living room and stands outside the master bedroom. He hesitates about whether he should slip in to take a look at the baby he hasn't seen for the past week. Worried that he might wake him up, the 29-year-old dad retreats and goes straight to the guest room, where he regularly sleeps when he comes home late, which is almost always, at least six days a week.

Zhao is one of many "absent" fathers who don't spend much time at home with their children, missing their important "firsts," unable to provide and unable to be a constant male role model for their sons. Lack of "fathering" and masculine role models is becoming an issue in China.

Though Father's Day, which isn't much observed in China, is dedicated to dads, it's Mother's Day that's the big event because mothers do most of the child rearing. And as child rearing and education costs rise, fathers must spend even more time away from home.

Zhao, a machinery salesman, works hard and isn't happy about all the time away from home. He usually leaves around 7am, which occasionally allows him to see his son for a few minutes if he wakes up early; he usually returns around 11pm, seven days a week. He hasn't had a day off since the Chinese New Year holiday when he enjoyed three days with the family.

Since the child was born in March, Zhao has had to work even harder, taking on more business trips. He is fulfilling his responsibility to support his family financially, just like his own father, a tradesman who returned home for a week every three or four months.

"When I was little, I always told myself that I would never work like my dad to the point that I wouldn't get to see my own child. When I was in kindergarten, for a long time, I probably didn't even realize that I had a dad. And I never wanted that happen to me," Zhao tells Shanghai Daily on the eve of Father's Day.

"I always thought, 'what's so important about work?' Why can't he just find a job that pays less but lets him spend more time at home? Well, now I know I was naive," he adds.

Idealism unfulfilled

Zhao has tried to keep his idealism about dads spending more time at home. He thought about asking his company to transfer him to administration, with less work and lower pay. He would be able to leave the office by 8pm.

"My wife, my parents and my in-laws all thought I was going mad," Zhao recalls.

He quotes his wife saying "Hey, this is the moment we definitely need more money, for the baby and for his future, so unless you are out of your mind or want to be lazy, you should be working twice as much - not less."

When he explained he wanted to spend more time with his son, she said her own company was very considerate, not giving mothers a heavy workload and letting her leave early sometimes.

"So you can just focus on making more money with your career and later when we have enough money, you can spend as much time with him as you want. Remember, you are the father."

Qi Dahui, an expert on parenting and family education and president of PKU College Education Research Institute, disagrees with Zhao's wife.

"The father serves different purposes at different stages in a child's growth and is especially important when the child is really little. The imprinted different scents, features of movements, thinking patterns and voices between men and women can directly influence the child's upbringing," he explains.

"Lack of a male in the family education has become a very important factor in the worsening problem of a child's gender alienation, especially in those families with sons."

He referred to the widely discussed problem of weakness and lack of masculinity in many Chinese boys and young men, who are reared overwhelmingly by their mothers and lack strong male role models.

The idea that the father is responsible for having a career, building a reputation and providing financial support - while the mother nurtures at home - has a long history in China and is still powerful today.

The "Three Character Classic," or "San Zi Jing," was written in the 13th century and was often a child's first formal education at home. Children were required to recite the entire text. One line says, "The father is to blame for his son's faults," indicating the importance of the father in a child's upbringing.

Fathers' messages

There used to be a custom for fathers, especially intellectuals, to leave messages to their descendants on how to be good man. Zhuge Liang (AD 181-234), considered to be one of the greatest Chinese strategists, left a famous "Text to Alert My Sons."

Zeng Guofan (1811-1872), an eminent general and Confucian scholar in the late Qing Dynasty (1644-1911) and greatly admired by Chairman Mao Zedong, also left "Letters to Home by Zeng Guofan," which remains one of the most-read books on education.

In spite of the popularity and reputation of the two texts, neither Zhuge nor Zeng spent much time with their children, since they spent most of their time on battlefields - one reason why they left their wisdom as a legacy in writing.

It was the mothers who stayed at home and brought up the children.

Fathers are rarely mentioned in ancient Chinese stories about education, but mothers are, though not by their own names. The two most famous are probably the mother of general Yue Fei and the mother of Confucian scholar Mencius.

Yue (1103-1142) was a talented and loyal general who spent his entire life fighting to recover invaded territory during the Song Dynasty (960-1279). He has been admired and respected for his military acumen and patriotism. His loyalty is said to have been nurtured by his mother who constantly instilled virtue in her son and even tattooed four characters on his back - Jing Zhong Bao Guo - which means be loyal and repay the nation.

Mencius (probably 372-289 BC), second only to Confucius, benefited greatly from a good mother who moved the household three times to find a good environment for Mencius to study. They first lived near a cemetery where children mimicked kneeling and weeping people. She then moved near a slaughterhouse where Mencius started learning sales skills from businessmen. That was unsuitable since tradesmen were not respectable. She moved again, this time near a school where Mencius learned proper manners from officials and scholars.

The two stories are both household tales passed down through generations. Fathers are not mentioned at all.

For centuries, the family pattern has stayed the same for most Chinese - the father is the breadwinner, while the mother stays at home and rears children.

In recent years, some young fathers have started to realize they are missing precious time with their children. One of them is Jason Lin, a 32-year-old online shop owner, who finds it somewhat difficult to blend into the mother's community and confront the conventional notion that "a normal father doesn't stay at home."

Lin and his wife ran the online shop from home for a few years part time, for extra income. When they prepared to have a baby, they decided to make it full time.

"A lot of friends and colleagues complain about how they missed their child's important moment, the first time he stands, the first time he walks by himself, his first word and all that," Lin says. "I don't want to miss any of those great moments like them."

Envied presence

He drives his two-year-old son to classes and play sessions, takes him to nearby parks to play with other children, reads stories to him and plans short family trips every few weeks.

"In our neighborhood park, I'm often the only father; the other kids are looked after by moms or grandparents," Lin says.

His presence has attracted considerable curiosity.

"I was once approached by a mom. We chitchatted for a while and then she started inquiring about my job and why I was taking care of my son instead of my wife, in a polite way of course," he recalls.

Lin's wife has encountered similar situations, when neighbors say, "You are such a happy woman, since your husband can spend so much time at home. Is your family rich?"

Lin and his wife, both working on their online shop, are used to the questions by now and are delighted to be able to spend all the exciting moments with their son.

"I don't know whether this is really much better for his education," Lin says, "but just on the selfish side, I feel so great as a dad now."



Dads on kids, work and duty

Yang Hao

Retired worker, 89Five daughters and two sons



Why do you ask? Isn't that just normal - the father making money and the mother feeding the children. How can you support such a big family otherwise? That's what my father, my grandfather, my great grandfather, and all their ancestors did, I think, so that's what I did and what my son did as well. If you stay at home, your wife and neighbors will just consider you useless and incapable of supporting the family. The father is head of the family and the pole to support everyone.



Li Minwei

Taxi driver, 52Divorced with one daughter



My daughter is not as close to me as to her mother, maybe it's because they have women-talks, but it's probably also because I never spent enough time with her when she was little. I was always driving on the road, and when I was home, I was just sleeping and too tired to communicate with her. She doesn't visit me as frequently as her mom. I wish I could have gone back to her childhood. Well, actually, I guess I would have had to do the same thing, to work a lot even if I went back in time.



Peter Huang

Accountant, 27One son



I really want to spend more time with my son, but my work is also very important, because I have to work hard to give him what he will want in the future. After all, love is not everything, you still need money to make up for the rest. But I do value every second I get to spend with him and I make every second and fourth Sunday of the month our family days. On those days, I don't bring any work home and I just devote the whole day to my wife and child.