Dear men: a love letter to the unseen and underappreciated
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I like men. I like them so much, I married one, and regularly tell him how much I appreciate him. According to X, this makes me anomaly. That鈥檚 an issue.
I posted on social media about relationships. The gist being whether or not men feel seen, heard and supported. Or more to the point, that we鈥檙e proud of them. The response I received was significant. Firstly, many men said they never had a loved one praise them, and secondly their want to share this experience with me was immediate.
鈥淵our post about being proud of your partner struck a chord. I have many friends and almost all of them struggle with their wives. They just don鈥檛 seem to have any gratitude for the men in their lives. The idea that you tell Shane how proud you are of him is not normal. But it鈥檚 wonderful.鈥 (Luke)
鈥淚t鈥檚 interesting, because I don鈥檛 think there鈥檚 been anyone who has ever pushed me up. My ex made me feel like I wasn鈥檛 an amazing person. And it sent me into a chronic depression. I couldn鈥檛 understand how someone I loved could put me down.鈥 (Ben)
鈥淥ften, we are made to feel like our emotions are not top priority. That鈥檚 not to say my mother or wife aren鈥檛 supportive, because they are. I just don鈥檛 think they know how to deal with a man expressing emotion.鈥 (Paul)
These are only a handful of the comments I received, with men citing everything from feminism to toxic masculinity as the issue. One gentleman who overheard me talking about this article said that women have each other, while men have alcohol, meaning we鈥檙e forcing men to numb rather than helping them to live. What鈥檚 wrong with us? And what鈥檚 the impact of our apparent silence?
I think men get a hard time. That doesn鈥檛 mean women don鈥檛 or that injustices haven鈥檛 been and remain to be real. But we shouldn鈥檛 use that as a stick to beat men with. A somewhat controversial character, the Canadian psychologist and public intellectual Jordan Peterson has a strong opinion on the status of men in society. I鈥檓 paraphrasing, but I think it鈥檚 fair to say that to Peterson, men rarely hear an encouraging word. Worse still, they are discouraged from being themselves because of the vilification of masculinity. The fallout of this narrative is far-reaching.
While this doesn鈥檛 speak for all men, it鈥檚 no great leap that some who don鈥檛 receive emotional support may struggle with feelings of inadequacy, leading to increased rates of substance abuse, self-harm and even suicide. In the family context, discouraged and unsupported men could become absent partners, while in the workplace those who feel disillusioned become less productive. All of this adds up to a societal resentment. A man who feels blamed might develop hostility toward those they see responsible, which in turns could lead to harmful behaviors and attitudes.
And who does that damage other than men? Women.
It must acknowledge that gender issues affect everyone. When men aren鈥檛 supported, it perpetuates unhealthy stereotypes and an unequal distribution of emotional labor within relationships. Moreover, all this undermines efforts toward gender equality because it fosters an environment where nobody thrives.
So, what do we do?
It鈥檚 possible I鈥檓 projecting my needs onto the lives of others. Two responses to my original social media message went as such:
鈥淒isagree with him (Peterson). Women cater to our fragile egos all the time.鈥 (Mr Pink)
鈥淚 think understated appreciation at the appropriate moment, in the form of actions not words, is preferable for many blokes.鈥 (Cameron)
Confused, I went back to the source of my pride, Shane.
鈥淚 think women seek emotional support more than men, but that doesn鈥檛 mean we don鈥檛 need it. I just want to know that you value what I do. Affirmation can make some men feel uncomfortable. But maybe that鈥檚 less a gender trait and more a product of society? In short, I think there鈥檚 an assumption that men don鈥檛 need validation at all, and that makes us crave it even more.鈥
I鈥檓 worried some people will read this as an 鈥渦s versus them鈥 debate. So let me be clear: I鈥檓 pro people. And just because women suffer, doesn鈥檛 mean men should. Thinking otherwise is akin to shoving all of the human experience into two boxes, and it can鈥檛 be done.
Ben, Cameron, Chris, David, Hamdi, Ian, Jaap, James, Joe, John, Kiel, Luke, Mark, Paul, Rob, Sam, Scott, Shane, Stuart ... I see you. And I am proud to know you, and many more men like you. You matter, and the world is a better place because you are in it. Whether this is something you want or need to hear: Thank you. Thank you for all that you are and everything you do.
To the rest of the world, however you identify, if you cannot handle this message of appreciation, I suggest you man up.
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