Turning 50: connection, community and the conversations that matter
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Pop the champaign and pour me a glass of fizz, we鈥檙e celebrating! Here marks the 50th in 鈥淭he Oyster Pail鈥 column. And as milestones do, this article got me thinking about life and stuff. What is the essence of age? Is it the number of years lived or the lived experiences within them?
When asked how old she was, novelist and activist Ann Lamott said: 鈥淚鈥檓 every age I鈥檝e ever been.鈥
If I stop to think of 鈥淭he Oyster Pail,鈥 which I neurotically do 鈥 like a new parent checking on their sleeping baby 鈥 I know I鈥檓 every article I鈥檝e ever written. Because every article has taught me something. Not because of me, because of you.
You might be new to this space, so I鈥檒l quickly explain what I and it are about. Columnists are strange creatures. We鈥檙e observers. We people watch in parks and eavesdrop on conversations in coffee shops. We鈥檙e in a constant state of catching thoughts. Whether it鈥檚 our take on cancel culture or a rant about Starbucks, columns reveal who we are and the values we hold. Good columnists don鈥檛 write because they crave attention. We do it because it鈥檚 our job. Different to reporters, it鈥檚 thinking tentacles we鈥檙e tasked with. Our purpose is to make sense of things; the work takes truth and a willingness to speak mine.
But real disclosure isn鈥檛 about the writer, and 鈥淭he Oyster Pail鈥 is my way of asking: 鈥淲hat about you?鈥 It鈥檚 a beautiful thing to share your story and have people share theirs in return. As you have.
鈥淵ou鈥檙e putting everything I鈥檝e felt into words beautifully.鈥 (Sarina)
鈥淚t鈥檚 a snapshot of Shanghai from a perspective similar to my own.鈥 (Elin)
鈥淩eading your story made me think again how we judge what we鈥檙e getting presented in the media ... After reading, I just felt the need to reach out.鈥 (Matt)
Our interactions have been so constant and varied that knowing what to include here was tricky. I had to find a theme to figure it out. One didn鈥檛 take long to surface.
鈥淓mma, thank you for your openness.鈥 (@drchuks_)
鈥淭hanks for being so honest Emma. It takes a lot of courage.鈥 (@DanGuerrard)
鈥淜eep writing as you do, Emma 鈥 heartfelt and honest.鈥 (@JustATinyWindo1)
鈥淚 admire your courage and openness Emma.鈥 (@CameronWEF)
鈥淚鈥檓 always in awe of your strength to be vulnerable so openly.鈥 (@Li_Huajing)
Tucked amongst these comments were lessons in connection. When we appreciate someone鈥檚 willingness to be open, we signal our own value for openness. By expressing gratitude for honesty, we actively seek truth. These gestures are the building blocks of progressive conversation, nurturing an environment where understanding and growth can flourish.
But it鈥檚 not always sunny on the receiving side of feedback and I鈥檝e had my fair share of criticism. A couple of comments stand out amongst the first to hurt.
In response to 鈥淪eriously, shut up about your first world issues,鈥 Daniel wrote: 鈥淎n article nobody asked to be written. Keep your opinion to yourself.鈥 That stung.
Not as much as Dustin, who said: 鈥淭his article made me cringe in every sentence ... 0 out of 10 stars.鈥 That stung like a paper cut dipped in lemon juice. The Monday after the article鈥檚 release I went to the office and cried.
A peer casually suggested I grow a thicker skin. But I don鈥檛 want to. Connection is at the heart of my work, and you can鈥檛 connect without being vulnerable. Vulnerability derives from the Latin, vulnerare, and describes the capacity to be physically or psychologically wounded. Courage isn鈥檛 about having thick skin; it鈥檚 about baring ours amidst the mob, as Daniel and Dustin taught me.
This concept of courage in communication aligns with the philosophy of German thinker J眉rgen Habermas. He formed the 鈥渋deal speech situation,鈥 arguing that genuine communication requires specific conditions. When these are present, it leads to what Habermas called, the 鈥渦nforced force of the better argument.鈥 Essentially, when people listen with respect and rationality, the best ideas rise to the surface. It鈥檚 about collective learning and social progress.
Hop on social media and you鈥檒l see the world would benefit from less strong-arming and more ideal speech. But respect and rationality are less sexy on X (Twitter). Meaning those who shout the loudest dominate discussions and dwarf liberality. Society is increasingly polarized and there鈥檚 a lot of misunderstanding, mistrust and even hatred between people.
How can we shift the conversation from volume to value?
As we age, those of us capable of introspection, learn that any significant part of life is gray. It鈥檚 gray because anything meaningful is complicated. But gray has become the danger zone because contemporary culture rewards simplification. Black-and-white mentality matters, certain things 鈥 genocide, racism, rape 鈥 are wrong. But gray is where we live, where we love, and where we learn. If you鈥檙e afraid of gray or unwilling to go there, you鈥檒l never really know anything. You鈥檒l never be mystified or surprised, and you鈥檒l never truly love anyone. Because how could you?
Being open doesn鈥檛 mean we鈥檒l always agree, that would be boring. But we can disagree better.
Recently I read that bearded dragons wave their front legs at one another to peaceably indicate their want for social harmony. That鈥檚 nice. I can鈥檛 promise you鈥檒l harmonize with every article I write, but I will keep waving. 鈥淭he Oyster Pail鈥 is more than a number over a series of time, it鈥檚 a space we鈥檙e building that鈥檚 filled with shared experiences. And while you might not always agree or identify, I do hope you鈥檒l sometimes wave back.
See you soon.
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