LEO Tolstoy opened his "Anna Karenina" by writing that "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

That's a slightly simplistic view, because various happy marriages also seem to be happy in their own ways.

If we look around, we are even not sure if old-fashioned marriages - arranged by matchmaker or parents - are necessarily deficient in conjugal bliss, compared with the much-touted new-style marriages (assumed to be based on "love").

Marriages used to last longer. Only two decades ago, divorces were still rarely heard of in China.

According to statistics from Shanghai Civil Affairs Bureau, last year a total of 38,850 Shanghai couples chose to go their separate ways, up 4 percent over the previous year.

Of these, about 94 percent cite "incompatible personality" and "emotional disharmony."

A worrisome situation arises with the younger generation now in their early 30s, who have grown up pampered as only children, and often strangers to the notions of domestic obligation and responsibility.

There have been reports of split-ups over rows over who should be the first to use the toilet in the morning, or which TV channel to watch.

The soaring divorce rate has made marriage counseling, a Western importation, a thriving business.

Although marriage proceedings have become fast and easy today - this haste may contribute in some degree to the surge in divorces - some analysis of why some marriages last can still help put some troubled marriages back in track.

Dr John Gottman's "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail ... What You Can Learn from the Breakthrough Research to Make Your Marriage Last" explains why some marriages last while others fail, based on study of 2,000 couples over a 20-year period.

Sometimes when Chinese describe conjugal harmony, a stereotyped observation is that there has "never been a cross word" between the two of them.

In the olden days, there was also great admiration for husband and wife who treat each other with courtesy, by "holding the tray level with the brows" (ju'an qimei).

Gottman believes if you and your spouse are screaming at each other over trifles, it might be a sign that your marriage is in danger - but then again, it might not.

As problems, conflicts and disagreements are inevitable and unavoidable in life and in a marriage, the key to a stable, healthy marriage is the way the conflict is resolved.

After studying hundreds of couples over the course of more than 20 years, Gottman finds that in successful marriages couples tend to work out quarrels by using three types of problem-solving techniques: validating, conflict-avoidance, and volatility.

Emotional violence

Validating couples appreciate each other's points of view. When disagreements arise, they hear each other out and try to persuade each other. They are ready to negotiate a compromise.

Volatile couples love a good fight. They argue passionately, each impatient of each other's view, and try to win their own point. But volatile couple enjoy making up as much as they do arguing. Their passions deepen their interactions, which lead to a warm and dynamic relationship.

Conflict-avoidant couples try to ignore problems as long as possible. They cherish their marriages, see the best in their spouses, and prefer to enjoy a calm, quiet relationship.

In recent years in China there has been growing talk of "leng baoli" (cold violence) among couples, where apathy, indifference, and non-communication is practiced by one spouse to punish the other.

Gottman cautions against the long-term effect of this kind of emotional violence.

"Negativity, a marriage's major predator, can overgrow and eventually kill off the positive reasons husband and wife bonded in the first place," writes Gottman.

He identifies "the four horsemen of the Apocalypse": criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

Criticism means "attacking someone's personality or character - rather than a specific behavior - usually with blame."

Contempt is "the intention to insult and psychologically abuse your partner," which includes insults, name-calling, hostile humor and mockery.

At its simplest, defensiveness is defined as making excuses for your actions or refusing to accept responsibility.

Stonewalling occurs when one partner, usually the man, withdraws completely from an interaction.

To counter such negativity, the author advises couples to show interest; be affectionate; show you care; be appreciative; be accepting, and share your joy.

To sum up, "the foundation of a lasting marriage rests on two kinds of bedrock: agreeing with your spouse on which style for handling disagreements you both can live with, and a large dose of positivity," according to Gottman.

As a psychologist, Gottman manages to adduce his principles from his insights into the human heart and mind, on the basis of extensive research, thus his findings can apply equally well in other human relations, for instance relations with children, colleagues, or friends.

Specifics

By comparison, Tina B. Tessina's "Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage" gives more practical tips by focusing on the three issues that cause the most fraying in marriages: money, sex, and kids.

"The most powerful thing you can do to keep a marriage strong is form a partnership, a team, where both parties feel respected, cared about and needed," Tessina observes.

To make this happen, she also prescribes communication as a means of squelching arguments - communication with the objective of working together as a team.

That a couple begins to fight - whether over money, sex or kids - is often an indication of communication breakdown.

Here the author points to the parental influence in the matter of money.

If money was short when you were little, you might never stop feeling that you don't have enough. If your parents used money to show love and approval, you might always seek material rewards as validation.

In sex the author mentions the common issue concerning one partner's sense of rejection, which can be explained in terms of angry withdrawal, conflict avoidance, and intimacy avoidance.

Sometimes the stresses of the day simply sap a partner's energy and desire.

When it comes to parental style, the book advises the readers to keep in mind that parents find many different ways to raise children successfully.

While one child may need carefully spelled out rules, a permissive approach may work better with another child.

Such advice sound suspiciously commonsensical, but probably common sense is exactly what's needed to keep a marriage working.