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The power of saying No and knowing when to say it
By Wu Jiayin |
October 10, 2009, Saturday
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Print Edition
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SUPPOSE your boss asks you to work the next few weekends on an important project, but you have already promised your weekends to your family.
What would you do? Accept the proposal reluctantly or refuse the boss flatly?
Neither of these two responses are desirable, as William Ury points out in "The Power of a Positive No."
Indeed, while a flat refusal may offend your boss, a reluctant acceptance may hurt the feelings of your family members as well as yourself.
A better alternative, Ury argues, would be to say no without jeopardizing your relationship with your boss.
This is not easy for most people, who are at a loss about saying no effectively, and the book can be helpful for them, or most of them.
Ury condenses his suggestions into a "Yes! No. Yes?" formula that is easy to follow.
In the case about working weekends, Ury suggests you start with an initial "Yes!" by stating that you acknowledge the importance of the project. Next, say "No." to the proposal to work on the weekends by explaining that you aren't available at weekends. Then, you can offer another proposal ("Yes?"), say, to fit the project into your regular hours, as an alternative.
It must be noted that before giving the negative reply, you should first figure out where your best interests lie.
"Saying No means, first of all, saying Yes! to yourself and protecting what is important to you," Ury observes. "It is hard to satisfy your real interests if you are not sure what they are."
Therefore, he suggests taking time to make sure that a negative response to a request actually supports your core values, and isn't just an emotional reaction.
When giving a negative reply, it is difficult for many people to get others to agree with them.
"The challenge ... in saying No is to express the 'need' -- the interest, desire or concern -- without the 'neediness'," Ury advises.
"To get your No heard, there is no need to shout. There is no need to be aggressive, nor is there need to placate. A firm neutral tone will do just fine."
In other words, it's not constructive to get upset with someone who offers an undesirable proposal. Rather, you should give him or her due respect if you expect the same from them in return.
The key to a win-win result obviously lies in your offering a practicable alternative to the other party's proposal.
Useful as Ury's "Yes! No. Yes?" formula can be, it is by no means universally applicable.
There are cases in which positive No does not achieve the desired result.
For example, women employees who say No to their boss' sexual harassment, however politely, are likely to offend him and may face consequences.
In such cases, Ury proposes to implement plan B, an alternative if the other party rejects your refusal.
In the case of women who are harassed, they should ask the human resource department for help or ask for a transfer to another department.
Although this result may not be your goal, it may be the most desirable outcome.
The book would have been more useful if the author had recognized the multiplicity of negotiation types and had prepared more well-targeted solutions.
Yet saying No when it's in one's interests to do so is a valuable concept.
As Mahatma Gandhi once said, "a No uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a Yes merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble."
What would you do? Accept the proposal reluctantly or refuse the boss flatly?
Neither of these two responses are desirable, as William Ury points out in "The Power of a Positive No."
Indeed, while a flat refusal may offend your boss, a reluctant acceptance may hurt the feelings of your family members as well as yourself.
A better alternative, Ury argues, would be to say no without jeopardizing your relationship with your boss.
This is not easy for most people, who are at a loss about saying no effectively, and the book can be helpful for them, or most of them.
Ury condenses his suggestions into a "Yes! No. Yes?" formula that is easy to follow.
In the case about working weekends, Ury suggests you start with an initial "Yes!" by stating that you acknowledge the importance of the project. Next, say "No." to the proposal to work on the weekends by explaining that you aren't available at weekends. Then, you can offer another proposal ("Yes?"), say, to fit the project into your regular hours, as an alternative.
It must be noted that before giving the negative reply, you should first figure out where your best interests lie.
"Saying No means, first of all, saying Yes! to yourself and protecting what is important to you," Ury observes. "It is hard to satisfy your real interests if you are not sure what they are."
Therefore, he suggests taking time to make sure that a negative response to a request actually supports your core values, and isn't just an emotional reaction.
When giving a negative reply, it is difficult for many people to get others to agree with them.
"The challenge ... in saying No is to express the 'need' -- the interest, desire or concern -- without the 'neediness'," Ury advises.
"To get your No heard, there is no need to shout. There is no need to be aggressive, nor is there need to placate. A firm neutral tone will do just fine."
In other words, it's not constructive to get upset with someone who offers an undesirable proposal. Rather, you should give him or her due respect if you expect the same from them in return.
The key to a win-win result obviously lies in your offering a practicable alternative to the other party's proposal.
Useful as Ury's "Yes! No. Yes?" formula can be, it is by no means universally applicable.
There are cases in which positive No does not achieve the desired result.
For example, women employees who say No to their boss' sexual harassment, however politely, are likely to offend him and may face consequences.
In such cases, Ury proposes to implement plan B, an alternative if the other party rejects your refusal.
In the case of women who are harassed, they should ask the human resource department for help or ask for a transfer to another department.
Although this result may not be your goal, it may be the most desirable outcome.
The book would have been more useful if the author had recognized the multiplicity of negotiation types and had prepared more well-targeted solutions.
Yet saying No when it's in one's interests to do so is a valuable concept.
As Mahatma Gandhi once said, "a No uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a Yes merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble."
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