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Picking up the pieces of marriage after infidelity
By Wan Lixin |
July 28, 2012, Saturday
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Print Edition
Print Edition
ON June 15, Luo Hongling, a PhD candidate at a college in Sichuan Province, jumped to her death from the 13th floor of an apartment building.
She took the fatal leap because her husband had been unfaithful to her. Months after her marriage, it dawned on her that her husband was actually gay. She confided in her blog that the number of intimacies they had enjoyed since their wedding could be counted on her fingers.
Those who prefer to take an enlightened view of the situation might claim that one's sex orientation is biologically innate and the condition should not be subject to moral critique.
This can be argued, but in the case cited, the tragedy can be blamed on the husband's failure to own up his orientation to his wife-to-be before the marriage. He confessed later that he used marriage as a sort of cover-up. He has been dishonest.
According to "Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain" by Rona B. Subotnik and Gloria G. Harris, marriage is a commitment based on trust, and infidelity breaches that trust.
While there is consensus on the importance of that trust, its origins are culture-specific.
In China family has been seen as the most important of all relationships, thus of the five lun (which dictate the seniority in human relationships) three are within the family: father-son, husband-wife, and brothers. The importance of these ties has been exemplified from generation to generation to every Chinese, until it becomes a second nature.
In the "Doctrine of the Mean," one of the four Confucian classics, it is said, "The way of the superior man may be found, in its simple elements, in the intercourse of common men and women; but in its utmost reaches, it shines brightly through heaven and earth."
Reality check
A detached analyst or philosopher can question the legitimacy of this belief on principles of democracy, freedom, or equality, just as one of the most celebrated Chinese scientists once debunked "A Dream of Red Mansions" as being "unscientific."
In the Christian West, the tie of marriage is more humble, as conceived in the glorification of God. Now that the divine aspect of conjugal union has been much weakened, nothing rationalizes marriage more than love. Thus the freedom in the choice of mates on the basis of "love" is central to the perception of progress of modern marriages.
The tricky thing is that it is difficult to maintain the intensity of love, or sexual attraction, that marks the beginning of a romance. As passion fades with time and familiarity, the idealized version of a partner gives way to the mundane, daily version. Hence the cynical observation that (modern) marriage is the tomb of love.
The decay of traditional codes of ethics, women's growing economic independence, and the restlessness that characterizes modern Chinese society encourage many fed up partners to deliberately seek the excitement of extramarital affairs.
According to authors Subotnik and Harris, depending upon how much emotion the partner invests in the outside relationship, affairs fall into these four types: serial, flings, romantic and long term. Each adventure can be unique in its own way, but there is sometimes a psychological basis for it.
"When everything in life seems to be going wrong, an affair may appear to offer an escape, a break from the problems, and comfort ..." the authors observe.
A betrayal inevitably leads to more lies and acts of deception.
"Infidelity, whether resulting in divorce or reconciliation, has a ripple effect that reaches far from the center and disturbs the security, peace of mind and self-esteem of all family members," the book's authors claim.
The moment the affair is discovered or confessed, life is never the same again. After learning of an affair, one may go through these stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Coping strategies allow a partner to assess the situation objectively, survive infidelity and emerge a stronger person. The assessment would determine if the marriage on rocks could be salvaged.
"No other marital problems can be addressed, nor can the rebuilding of trust proceed, until you are assured that the affair has stopped and your partner is willing to make amends," the authors write.The authors have drawn from their clinical practices to advise on how to start the healing process.
This is a valuable book for those struggling to pick up the pieces of their marriages, as well as for those enjoying conjugal bliss.
She took the fatal leap because her husband had been unfaithful to her. Months after her marriage, it dawned on her that her husband was actually gay. She confided in her blog that the number of intimacies they had enjoyed since their wedding could be counted on her fingers.
Those who prefer to take an enlightened view of the situation might claim that one's sex orientation is biologically innate and the condition should not be subject to moral critique.
This can be argued, but in the case cited, the tragedy can be blamed on the husband's failure to own up his orientation to his wife-to-be before the marriage. He confessed later that he used marriage as a sort of cover-up. He has been dishonest.
According to "Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain" by Rona B. Subotnik and Gloria G. Harris, marriage is a commitment based on trust, and infidelity breaches that trust.
While there is consensus on the importance of that trust, its origins are culture-specific.
In China family has been seen as the most important of all relationships, thus of the five lun (which dictate the seniority in human relationships) three are within the family: father-son, husband-wife, and brothers. The importance of these ties has been exemplified from generation to generation to every Chinese, until it becomes a second nature.
In the "Doctrine of the Mean," one of the four Confucian classics, it is said, "The way of the superior man may be found, in its simple elements, in the intercourse of common men and women; but in its utmost reaches, it shines brightly through heaven and earth."
Reality check
A detached analyst or philosopher can question the legitimacy of this belief on principles of democracy, freedom, or equality, just as one of the most celebrated Chinese scientists once debunked "A Dream of Red Mansions" as being "unscientific."
In the Christian West, the tie of marriage is more humble, as conceived in the glorification of God. Now that the divine aspect of conjugal union has been much weakened, nothing rationalizes marriage more than love. Thus the freedom in the choice of mates on the basis of "love" is central to the perception of progress of modern marriages.
The tricky thing is that it is difficult to maintain the intensity of love, or sexual attraction, that marks the beginning of a romance. As passion fades with time and familiarity, the idealized version of a partner gives way to the mundane, daily version. Hence the cynical observation that (modern) marriage is the tomb of love.
The decay of traditional codes of ethics, women's growing economic independence, and the restlessness that characterizes modern Chinese society encourage many fed up partners to deliberately seek the excitement of extramarital affairs.
According to authors Subotnik and Harris, depending upon how much emotion the partner invests in the outside relationship, affairs fall into these four types: serial, flings, romantic and long term. Each adventure can be unique in its own way, but there is sometimes a psychological basis for it.
"When everything in life seems to be going wrong, an affair may appear to offer an escape, a break from the problems, and comfort ..." the authors observe.
A betrayal inevitably leads to more lies and acts of deception.
"Infidelity, whether resulting in divorce or reconciliation, has a ripple effect that reaches far from the center and disturbs the security, peace of mind and self-esteem of all family members," the book's authors claim.
The moment the affair is discovered or confessed, life is never the same again. After learning of an affair, one may go through these stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Coping strategies allow a partner to assess the situation objectively, survive infidelity and emerge a stronger person. The assessment would determine if the marriage on rocks could be salvaged.
"No other marital problems can be addressed, nor can the rebuilding of trust proceed, until you are assured that the affair has stopped and your partner is willing to make amends," the authors write.The authors have drawn from their clinical practices to advise on how to start the healing process.
This is a valuable book for those struggling to pick up the pieces of their marriages, as well as for those enjoying conjugal bliss.
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